That is it.. I am out, done, bled dry. Nothing to say.. It is like I don’t even know anymore! I am lost. I am worried. I am alone. I am scared. I am screaming for help, love, acceptance and no words to twist and string together try to explain anymore than I have already.
I have been a single mom raising my kiddos since my youngest was 3 months old he is now 5. It has not been easy, it has been difficult at times, and it is the most taxing thing I have ever done in my entire life. Would I change having kids? No. Would I change the fact my ex I are no longer together? Not always, there are days when I long for idea of having him around.
My ex and I are kick ass co-parents. We get along like peanut butter and jelly when it comes to parenting. I love that.
We were talking yesterday about schedules and stuff, with him going to Europe for 2 weeks etc.. He mentioned that he will be engaged here shortly and that I was the 1st person he told. He wanted to let me know before I found out on the book of face or something like that. I understand where his heart was and why he wanted to tell me, but FUCK was that hard to hear. I felt like I was choking and couldn’t breath, and the tears just didn’t stop. My heart is heavy and I don’t know why I have this overwhelming feeling of betrayal. 😦
The person he is going to marry is the Woman who was my neighbor when I was married. She was a close friend of mine. She was someone I opened my heart and my life to. I shared my husband with her. I am trying to stay positive, like the kids have not complained about her yet, they don’t like her 18yr old son but he is full of teenage angst so I don’t blame them. But it still fucking sucks!
I am feeling less and less welcome in my own relationships with people and with poly in general so this is adding to the I am not good enough feels I have been having.
I have had plenty to write about but have not found the way to voice it or tell it, so I would write and then delete over and over again. Meh!
I have been busy being a single mom of 2 boys who have way to much energy for their own good and working 40+ hours a week, and trying to keep up on the household stuff. I did paint the other weekend and that was awesome. With what little free time I have it seems, I have been going out and Dancing, to play parties, and just hanging out in my own space. I have continued to loose more weight I think it is mainly due to stress but I will take it. 21 pounds is not easy to loose! I would like to loose 20-30 more to be at my “goal” I am not going to go hard core and push it super fast as I want to do it the right way.
I went to my very first burner event over this past weekend. It was awesome. Seacompression was fantastic. I enjoyed dancing with Slutgarden, and seeing people I knew. I got to see J and his Wife now that they are back from the burn that was awesome. Good people glad to have them in my life. Looking forward to the next time we all hang out.
Ever get the feeling like you just don’t fit? No matter how much people tell you otherwise? That there is something wrong and they all know what it is but no one is telling you? Yeah well that’s me as of late. Sorry for not writing much.. I have all the ideas for posts but I haven’t brought myself to write any of it out.
I hosted a play party 2 weeks ago now, that was awesome. Good people, comfortable atmosphere, new flirts, old flings, just over all a good time. The next day there was another play party at a friends house. I went out to that one too. I didn’t stay as late well because exhusted and I had date plans with Belle on Sunday. Let’s just say many orgasms were had by me and others. I was in charge of the sybian is was great.
I have so much lust for 2 people right now. We get along great, chemistry is there. I just want to have all the sex and spend time picking apart their brains. Talking to wee hours of the morning while laying in the afterglow of sex. But at the same time I don’t want to ruin the friendship as that means more to me than anything. Blerg!!
Something in my life needs to change, I am like 80% sure what it is but, fuck it’s hard. I am going to go lay in the tub and close my eyes and listen to music and try to quiet my brain. I can’t wait to go see my sister at the end of October. She will help me through my brain she always does.
I am hungry for something in my life I am not sure what it is.No it is not FOOD! Yes I am talking to you the brats/sarcastic/silly awesome people. I am hoping that it will just show up and I will be like yes this, this is what I needed. Fucking life it takes you on all the turns doesn’t it? I look back and I am like how did I get here? How did I let my heart open again after all that? Bleh!!
I got to talk to J and his wife last night a bit actually now that they are back from Burning Man. We talked about all the hard feels I am having and they are having it was nice to get and outside opinion on some stuff and to have people ask me questions I didn’t know I needed to be asked.
We are going to do some packing list stuff together so I don’t forget anything next year and they pointed me to some things I didn’t even think of like a pee funnel lol. But it was nice to talk to them I am thinking of a costume ideas but I don’t know what to do yet so that will come down the road. Here is what I started to come up with:
For Tutu Tuesday – I want to make a Tutu that is the bi pride colors and I want to take my hi I am bi shirt and make it into a crop top tank, and then wear some converse or combat boots.
For White Wednesday – White hoop skirt that is see through floor length and about 3 hoops colored with EL wire and then some white wings well because I am an angel after all LAMO and something bright colored for the bra. Or I will wear my crinoline and put LED blinky lights in it and wear a white bra and something else liek my big floppy white and black hat.
I want to get a onesie and make some changes to it, make it me! The last thing I want to be is a Sparkle Pony! But that is all I came up with before I passed out.
I have had some long long night this past weekend. Really since Thursday if I am going to be 100% honest. I’m having some major self doubt in all the things I do, from work, to relationships, to even being a mom. I am sure it is all being amplified by lack of sleep. But it still sucks and it is not fun! I talked to Belle on Saturday night Sunday morning. It was a good talk, but also very emotionally charged and I think I would say needed.(well for me anyway) I am hopeful that we can work from it and work with the requests that were stated and come out stronger in the long run. I love them a lot. I would hate to loose them. I know people change and life takes people in all sorts of directions but it doesn’t make it any easier when things come up that need to be addressed, or the overwhelming fear of I let them see me in this super vulnerable place, I know they are going to think I am crazy just like I was told time and time again in the past. Then they are going to leave they can do better. Blah blah blah my brain I tell you rabbit hole after rabbit hole. It is like the worlds best amusement park ride up in there. Sunday I threw my youngest son’s b-day party. I woke up looking like I had been crying all night and or I got stung by bees on my eyes. I somehow managed to make myself look “normal” and my family had no idea. When my ex walked through the door to bring me the kids before the party, I wanted to grab him and hug him and have him tell me it would be OK, horrible idea mind you; but something I still wanted in that brief moment. Once everyone left I was able to breath again. I drew a bath, and soaked while my kids sat on my bed and watched YouTube videos. My oldest came in and checked in on me and told me not to cry a few times. I politely stated that crying was OK and that sometimes it is what is needed. Bedtime rolled around and I tucked them in and then crawled into my own bed and snuggled into all my pillows (I have like 12) and my blankets and turned on a horrible TV Drama so I could laugh and cry and smile at the same time till sleep took me away.
This morning I woke up feeling like I was hit with a mac truck. I somehow made it into the office and am doing my best to make it through my day. We will see how the day unfolds! All the best to you out there!
That’s right you read that correctly. FUCK today!!!
The smoke and shit that is lingering around is causing a horrible migraine. Today was also the 1st day of school for my oldest 3rd grade *sigh*, and tomorrow is my youngest’s birthday. Time goes by so fast. I was reminded today that I have been raising my kids for 4yrs and 9 months on my own, and it made me so so so so mad at my ex husband. I called him and I may have been a bit snappy. He promised we would be doing this together, that he was going to love all of me even the parts that aren’t pretty and he fucking bailed. He walked next door when shit got hard and left me alone with a 3yr old and a 3 month old. Tonight I just want to be rage fucked really.. I want to forget all the things and be put into subspace and then CRY just CRY all night.