It’s been a while (nsfw stuffs)

Heya, well it seems life has been crazy and blogging was put on the back burner.

My husband is still fighting the good fight against GBM and in a trial that seems to be working. Each day is like a blessing and we love our days together that turn into weeks and months and hopefully years. We recently decided to open our marriage slowly and cautiously with covid and all the other shit going on in our lives. He started chatting with an old fling and some new people on Tinder. I started flirting with a few people I have played with or dated in the past and it has been great, it adds a new level of excitement to our marriage and to life in general.

I had my 1st play session with an old fling, I had forgotten how well endowed he was, but that didn’t stop me. What can I say I embraced my inner slut 🙂 We chatted for a while yes while wearing masks and taking all precautions for our safety during a freaking pandemic. We hadn’t seen echother in about 2 years. I have gained some weight and shaved off all my hair, but they looked at me like I was fine ass cut of meat and I liked it. It made me feel sexy and wanted in a different way then with my husband. We were sitting on the couch and I could see he was getting hard and I decided to ask if I could please him as I had come over to do so. He said “I thought you’d never ask” he pulled on his pants as fast as I could get my mask off. I helped him get a condom on and proceeded to slid his slightly flaccid cock into my mouth. As he filled my mouth I felt him get harder and harder till he filled my whole mouth and throat. I gaged and slurped spit all over him and myself. He moaned and called me a good girl. Who would have thought 2 words would make my pussy tingle with excitement to the point it was dripping out my husbands cum from earlier into my pants. 2 little words. I looked up at him with his cock down my throat and batted my eyelashes as a way to say please paint my face and chest with your cum. He said are you ready? I moaned. He pulled off the condom and I finished him onto my neck, chest, and face. He sat there trying to catch his breath saying the fuck over and over. I asked him if he was ok, I was met with yes that was just the best blow job I have had since you 2 years ago. I excused myself while he was couch locked to admire my work in the bathroom before cleaning it up and pulling up my dress.

When I got back out to the livingroom he mentioned he wished he could have bent me over and fucked the hell out of my pussy. I sighed as, I would have enjoyed that my pussy was ready it wanted to be pounded it wanted to be used. I said quietly maybe next time. He said yes please. I didn’t stay much longer maybe 5 min to make sure he was ok. He was blissed out and said he was going to sleep well now! I left him with his pants around his ankles sitting on the couch and said I will see you soon, and made my way to the elevator. I put on my mask and texted my husband, I was on my way home to him.

~end

New Beginnings

So this year has been crazy and it is only July.

So if we backtrack to Sep 2018 I met this handsome man, who knocked me off my feet. He was a surprise and a welcome one. We were and still are inseparable. We love our time together and never seem to get enough.

January we celebrated our birthdays together and that was when I really started to feel like I was falling in love with him. February we were in Olympia for work and we had gone out to dinner at Tugboat Annies and I whispered to him I was falling in love with him. To my surprise he said thank you and that he was feeling feels too but didn’t know what to call them. That following weekend I was dropping him off at the airport he was headed to AZ for the week and I kissed him bye at the ticket counter and said I love you. He said I love you too and I thought it was an auto response so I thought nothing of it, but was also giddy knowing that he may love me too.

In March we were back in Olympia for work and I had this grand plan to ask him if he would marry me, but grand plans aside we were playing Hangman and I spelt out.

“Would you make an honest women out of me?”

It took him a moment and he smiled and said of course. That is how that happened. When you know you know. A week or 2 later we were at the doc and he was having a MRI done. WORST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!! Come to find out this man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, make a family with, grow old and share thin mints when we are 80 on our porch, has Glioblastoma Grade 4 with some mutations. We were rushed to surgery and my whole life fell like it was falling apart.

Surgery was hard, we were at the hospital for 2 weeks, his parents said some really mean things to me- most of what I will assume was out of fear but to hear that “D doesn’t love you it was juat the tumor” on a few occasions really tears a person down. Then to deal.with his ex wife who said I was the reason all this happened and that I am ruining his life. Let’s just say I kinda block the month of March out of my head to best of my ability.

Recovery, and Radiation and 1st round of Chemo went well he tolerated it great. D told his parents to back out of our relationship and that he does love me and that he is the happiest he has ever been in a long while. That seemed to help a lot. We planned our wedding and the best day of my life was June 19th 2019. We stood in front of family and some friends and got married.

My life is going to be crazy and who knows how long we have; that is the scariest part of it all to be honest. I am trying to stay positive for me and my kiddos and D, but sometimes I need and want people to be positive for me. We have a few trips planned in Aug and Sep as long as surgery doesn’t need to happen again. We will find out on July 23rd. I am so in love and also so scared.

But yeah I think getting back into my blog will help so hopefully there will be more soon.

CW

Leaving Poly

Since I have been back from Burning Man, I have done so much introspection on what I want in my life. Leaving poly is what is good for me and my mental health. I had been having a hard time with poly and how it fit in my life since I was will Belle.

I don’t really have any issues with the idea on paper. Really the only relationship I had within poly that looked OK and functionally worked was when I was with Miss M. Her polycule provided a safe space and allowed me to feel welcome at any given time. Even my kids were around and knew them. This was the 1st time in the poly-verse that I didn’t feel like a burden, didn’t feel like I was less then other partners, or that I was never not good enough for love. She in a way pushed me to look at my life and what I really wanted out of a relationship. She was kind, loving, and someone I will hold dear to my heart for a long long long time.

I started dating again and I found myself in the throes of internet dating, worrying that a single mom would just be good enough for a good time. Someone would freak the F out that I had not just 1 but 2 young kiddos. I put myself out there and I found someone. He is smart, sweet, passionate, tough in a good way 😉 We jive well together, in many different ways. We spend a fair amount of time with one another and it seems like it is never enough and or a burden. Coming from relationships where I was told I was too much or that I was too intense, I find myself asking him often if he is tired of me yet? He looks at me with soft eyes and says “No, Baby I am not tired of you” then smiles. He holds me and tells me I am beautiful when I need it, he lets me “leak” from my eyeballs and doesn’t freak out on me. He makes sure to tell everyone we meet that I am his and he always says “Isn’t she cute, I sure got lucky”

I find myself to be the lucky one in this case. One might say the relationship is moving fast, but honestly who cares it is not forced and it just feels right. We are moving with out reservations, without worrying about others, we are doing what we like and want. It might be a honeymoon phase or huge amounts of NRE, but I don’t see that changing he makes dating him easy and fun and exciting. One might even say I am falling in love with the man.

Follow Up Post –

Cancer Screening is the most nerve wracking thing I can think of. I am being sent in for a biopsy and ultrasound and possibly a mammogram in a week. The doctor was concerned about the size of the lump and the fact that it hurt when being touched. She was also worried about the tissue around the lump starting to feel like it was hardening as well. So on to the next step I assume. I am trying to stay out of my head and just let it be what it is but I can’t stop thinking about all the huge WHAT IFS!!

On a positive note – I have lost 84 pounds in May 2017. I am kicking ass in that department.

I am feeling so out of control with life stuff that I am catastrophizing a lot of other things in my life ie: My love life AHHH or lack there of.

I am heading back to work more once I know more.

Cancer!?

So roughly 4 weeks ago. I was in bed and I happened to do a self breast examination and I found a mass. I had so much going on with wedding prep for my brother, trying up loose ends at work before being off for 10 days, Burning Man prep, and just the normal mom stuff I have on m ugh plate; I just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind.

Now that I am back in default world I and things are starting to settle, and I am left alone with my thinky thoughts it’s creeping to the forefront of my mind and fuck it is sending me into a tail spin of what if’s.

I finally made an appointment for a cancer screening it is on Thursday as in 2 days. I am freaking out emotionally and battling the logical side of my brain. The lump has grown in 4 weeks and is now somewhat painful.

I know logically I don’t know anything yet and it could be something super simple like a cyst or thick breast tissue. Yet it could be something like cancer. There has been some other concerning things I won’t bore you with that make me slightly more worried.

I haven’t really told anyone, I can count on one hand how many people know (that is till this post is read I suppose)

I lay in bed and can’t sleep, I cry at the thought of the worst case scenarios, I want to be held by DJ (Swedish guy) I want to have him brush the hair out of my eyes and just be here. I want to scream at the universe for being stupid sometimes, I want to run, I want to be able to turn it off and I can’t.

Maybe a hot shower will help.

1 Week Post Burn

Well I am “home” it has been icky to say the least. The most annoying thing about being back is having to deal with people at the grocery store. Normally I wouldn’t have minded but talk about panic inducing.

My 1st day back I needed to get food as mamma’s cupboards were bare, so I loaded up my youngest and went to the store. I loaded up the cart with all the things I needed and could think of for the next 2 weeks. When we got up to the counter to pay I put in my loyalty number and the checker minded her own business I said hi and good morning to a ghost she didn’t even acknowledged I was there. She then read me my total a whopping $230, and then asked if I put in my card # to get savings I said yes. She said it didn’t go through, so I asked her if she was able to do it for me, at this point there is someone else in line waiting it is 9am and I am tired, dusty from cleaning, and trying to stifle the tears in my eyes, and the overwhelming urge to run away. She told me no she couldn’t do it on her end and she would have to void the whole order and start over, I caught the look of the person behind me it was a “Really, you have to be kidding me I am in a hurry” so I told her to forget it and paid. I went home and just cried. I couldn’t understand why people could be so cold and closed off. This interaction was so stressful, something that wouldn’t have been months ago. Gah I am still worried about the next time I have to go to the store, maybe I will buy groceries online.

Now that I have worked a whole week and have been doing the mommy thing full time again. I know that I need to make sure I show people around me the true me 100% of the time like I was out on Playa. I need more art, music, and love in my life!! Working on how to make that a thing but it will happen!

I have learned some powerful things about myself since being back. I am not as 100% poly as I thought I am more like 75%. I am still unraveling that one I don’t think that the answer will happen tonight or over the next month. I have found that I don’t give a fuck for people who say they want to spend time with me but don’t have any follow through, I don’t got time for that shit. I am only going to give my time to those who want it and are around. I learned who I really am. I am a salty at times bad ass bitch, who will love you for as long as I possibly can once I add you to my inner most circle. I am lovable and broken, I am fucking gorgeous in all my tiger stripes and skin, and I am done hiding that from people either they will care or they don’t. I am a SLUT and I am ok with that. I am safe and educated I am kinda picky about who I sleep with anyway! I have also learned that my community is very very incestuous, cliquey, and snobby. I am so glad I have new communities and can branch out and meet more people who might be more my people.

Work- I have learned that I really am burnt out! I also kinda hate it! I used to love it, I use to get excited about going into work. Now I get panicky right before I am supposed to start as I don’t know what mood my boss is going to be in that day and god forbid I say something wrong and she goes off on me via email more than she already does.

I AM NOT DIVORCING MY PARAKEET!!!! – My mantra for the next 3 month

Also I really wanna make out with J, Swedish Guy, or someone!! That is all!

❤ Me

 

Burning Man 2018

What an experience. Something I have been having a hard time putting in words as there really isn’t a way to truly captivate all the feels, be it good or bad. So I will do my best.

TLDR/ Version – I faced some hard times and I overcame them and look forward to making my default life match more with my home life and who I was out there as that is truly me!

The week prior I was in a tail spin, trying to make sure I had my stuff squared away and that I was prepped enough for the wedding on Sunday the 26th, cupcakes were almost the death of me, all 200 of them (I was leaving Monday the 27th). I had to plan out my carpool people who were going down and home with me. By Thursday I was in complete meltdown and freaking out. Family who I had not seen in years was in town, my house was a mess, work was blowing up, and all I wanted to do was hide.

Sunday night after the wedding, my carpool buddy going down offered me to stay the night with him so I could sleep another hour before we headed out. So I packed up all my stuff once I got home took a very quick shower and headed the 70 min drive south to his house. We cuddled and I felt very at home and relaxed it was amazing, given that we had only hung out a couple of times and really hadn’t broached the topic of sleeping together (yes sleeping not sexing) or anything other then driving 14 hours with each other. This was the 1st time in about 3 months where I felt safe and could fully breath.

After we slept for like 4 hours we woke up and packed the car and started our drive. We laughed, flirted, and took turns driving so we could sleep some. We made it to Gerlach within 12 hours. 🙂 The wait at Gate was about 4 hours to go through will call and do the whole thing. Greeters were so amazing and I loved them, they had me dive into the dust and ring the bell. I dropped him off at his camp and then I was sent out on my own to find my camp in the dark in a place I had never been and our placement on Rods Ring Rd is not fun or easy to navigate. I got super overwhelmed very quickly and started to cry thinking I would never find where I was supposed to go and my “security” co driver was gone and he has been there and ahhhh!!

I found my camp about 30 min later. Thankfully someone was in camp and they showed me where to plop myself down and then I waited for J am M to come find me so they could show me Esplanade and the Man. Once I saw them I knew I was going to be ok they were my familiar faces in a sea of 70,000 people. We gave each other huge dusty hugs!

On Tuesday I got to take the day to adjust to Burning Man. J came and picked me up and him and I spent the day exploring. It was amazing! I was just in awe the whole time, there were so so many people, so much art, so much beauty in one place. I took my carpool buddy out for a few hours that night and we had a great time stopping at random bars/camps to dance, sing and just laugh. I learned that the bag in a box of wine is called the goon and the only way to drink it properly is to slap it 1st and then have someone pour it into your mouth. 🙂

I slept alright on Tuesday and by Wednesday (the day) I had what most people call the “Thursdays” I wanted to go home, I felt so alone, I didn’t think I fit in with my camp or people in general. I did my breakfast shift with Chinchillin’ and Gingersnap then ducked out. I cried most of the day and tried to hide at camp in our “Employee Lounge”, One of our camp mates came up and sat with me for a moment and made me talk about my kids and that helped take my mind off of what I was really trying to process. I was then told by Wednesday (playa name) it was ok to feel the feels I had boiling up at that point and that I should go to the post office and write myself a letter so that when I get it I can be reminded that I did it and that I did belong. By noontime I was asked to help out at camp and pull an interview shift I was worried my mood was going to ruin all the things and had some doubts but Pocket pushed and I rocked it. If it weren’t for him telling me I was going to be great and to just jump in and do the thing I would have been in a downward funk all night. I decided that I would take half of an edible candy I had and well hindsight horrible idea. It was our Drunken Catholic School Girl bar ride with camp. I got all dolled up and then I made it to the 1st stop and I ended up so high I had to be tent locked and walked back to my tent. Thankfully I knew I was not ok and I asked someone I trusted to walk me back and make sure I got into my tent. I passed out around 8:30pm and woke up at like 12:30am still a little fuzzy but much more manageable. I hung out at the burn barrell with camp mates till 4am then hopped on my bike and went to go wake up M and J for a sunrise set.

Biking out to the trash fence with a horde of people was super overwhelming also magical. Watching Sunrise with people I cared about and who care about me made my heart happy. The Sunrise was so magical to me it brought tears to my very tired eyes. It was at that point that I knew I was truly unbreakable even when my brain tries to tell me otherwise. I will always get back up and shine, and I will shine brighter each time! On my bike ride back I found myself just watching the world wake up. People either finally stumble into camp to sleep or those waking up and making their way to the portos. I sat on the couch by our burn barrel and just soaked it all in. I was gifted an adorable Burning Man pin and some awesome hugs. I thought about going back to bed but I was too awake with happy, love, and excitement. I worked a double that day and I met some awesome people. I did take a break to go to the post office to mail myself a post card, best decision ever.

Once work and dinner were done I rode my bike halfway around the city to find my Swedish flame. Unf!! I found him and his shift pod. I stopped in with a bottle of wine and hung out in his arms for a few hours. It was amazing. I was so scared to show up at a camp and ask for him not knowing how he was going to respond. I did it anyway and it was great. We had made plans for later in the week, but Playa is known for heartache and breaking plans so when that moment of sad hit when we didn’t actually meet up again I remembered I would see him when I got back “home”. I went and checked in on the person I rode down with to make sure he was doing ok and to see if he was or wasn’t riding back with me. Rode out to the temple and left a love note to an ex as a way of closing for me. Then I wanted to crash I was approaching the 24 hours awake mark and I was tired. Got back to camp poured some tequila in my cup to help with sleep and walked out and DR was there and I ran into his arms and he lifted me up and spun me around and we then hung out for hours, riding around going to random camps and getting all the drinks, I even got spanked by a lobster. I mean where else would something like that happen. He rode back with me to camp I had been awake 28 hours at this point, and I just passed the F out once my head hit that pillow.

Friday was Train Burn Night. I got to see it with M and J and that was awesome we rode around afterward and looked at all the bright lights and danced to some awesome 80’s that I didn’t know lol. I went back to camp and slept for a few hours and then got up and was excited to have it be Burn Night! Tonight was the night I was going to face my fears around body issues and wear only a bra and skirt and I did and it was fucking awesome. I looked hot as fuck and I got some many compliments. I rode on an Art car and I was truly happy. I watched the man burn and you could taste the energy in the crowd it was so overpowering and so beautiful. Danced till the wee hours of the morning like 1ish, then hung out with Narc talking about life and what it meant to both of us at the burn barrel till we both passed out and woke up to the sunrise at 5:30 am.

Sunday was a somber day, people were packing and cleaning up and we all knew it was time to close this week for the time being. We watched the Temple burn and I cried as I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I decided that I was going to do my Exodus that night at 11:30 took me and Bubble (she was from the UK needing a ride to Seattle) 2.5 hours to hit pavement. We drove for a few hours then napped on the side of the rode twice before making it to the hot springs. We camped over night and waited for M and J to get there so I could give them back their tent and give hugs and kisses one last time before heading back to default. I cried on the way home as once again I felt so alone, that I had to figure out how to be the real me once I got home and that if I lost people I loved that it was not my issue it was all them. I am still working on that and it is not easy today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better than today. But I am still wanting and waiting to return Home!

There are some moments I have not shared as I want those to be special to me and those who I shared them with!! Here is sunrise. ❤ 40385453_2385533021464613_7066717723144749056_n

Burn Bright everyone! )'(

 

 

 

 

Missing Them

Today was a hard day.. I missed them more than I have in a long time. Each song that came on Pandora brought a flood of feels, happy, sad, anger, but most of all longing for them to reach out and hug me and kiss me again. To make love to me like no one has been able to since. To curl up next to me and just feel my skin all the groves and tell me they love all the bumps and “imperfections”.

I ask myself often what did I say or do wrong? Did I tell them how I was feeling the wrong way? Did I fuck this up? Was I not good enough for them? Why did the shiny exciting part of me disappear from their eyes? Why were they so quick to just let me go? Gah!! I fucking love them so so so much, it stings when I see they are with others. I want to be on their arm, I want them to look at me the way they used to.

Life

I got my tickets to Burning Man! I am going to Burning Man!!!!! Now my life has been lots of planning and packing and making it and myself a priority!

I decided I am no longer going to be a doormat, I am going to say NO to people when they want me to do their emotional labor when my well is tapped, I am going to remind myself that I am #1 and just because I say no or set boundaries doesn’t mean I don’t care or love you. I am going to say YES to loving all of me in whole the bad the good and the ugly. I am going to say YES to letting someone love me 100% and if they can’t have me in my true self they don’t deserve me. I am going to say NO to people who want to show me that I am not a valuable piece of their lives. I am saying NO to those who refuse to put in some sort of effort with me who want to make plans and never follow through. I am saying YES to only giving my time and love to those who show appreciation for it!

I am owning me again!!

Selfcare

What is self care and what does it look like to you?

Today it is a 90 min massage, and a long nap with the windows open so I can have the fresh spring breeze dance around me. It is drinking all the water I can. It is opening my house to people tonight to feed them and have a grand time, and warm my house with laughs, music, and good people.It is me taking charge of my life and participating is another 5k tomorrow. It is putting on a slinky black dress last night and looking fucking fierce, even though you were tols months ago it didnt look good on you. It is learning to love you!

I hope you have a wonderful day, be kind to yourself. Love one another and most of all love you.