It seems like everyone and their mothers are getting married this year. I have 3 that are happening rather close to me. My ex husband gets married in about 3 weeks, Family friend who I babysat as a kid is getting married in 2 weeks, and then my baby bro is getting married in Aug. So many people getting married… When you are alone and you want more things like weddings kinda hurt and make you feel like you will be alone forever.
I am trying really hard to focus on myself, kids, and making the best life for me and my kids. I am still not sure what I want out of relationships. I have been spending a lot of time with Theo. He and I get along soooooo well. It makes me wonder if being poly is for me.. I really wanna be someones person. Not be the one in the back behind the scenes, not #2 or #3 but someone who sees me as their #1. Who I can spend the night with on the regular, someone to come home to. Someone who more of a constant in my kids lives. I want to bring them home to meet the kids and have them grow a relationship with them too.
Relationships are like the waves of the ocean. They ebb and flow and crash. They can be calm, turbulent, beautiful, scary and mystifying. The are forever changing and never constant.
I have done a lot of growing in myself since last October/November. I have stood up for myself and asserted my needs and wants and my boundaries. I have purchased a house for me and my kids. I have continued on my weight loss/healthy life choice. I have become more mentally and physically prepared for Burning Man in Aug.
Belle and I have entered this unknown. Where we have transitioned into an almost friend like state. IDK. I still love them dearly and deeply it is just weird and uncomfortable for me as I don’t know where I fit anymore. Lots of people who I thought were in my corner aren’t and they have shown their true self since the end of summer last year till now. They preach that they are great people to have in your life and honestly I have never felt more let down. Oh well! I am a better person for it I guess. I have so much to give to people and those who don’t respect that don’t deserve it.
Work is kicking my ass and I am kicking it’s ass. I got a nice raise and promotion in Dec. I am getting to run a whole department now and I am in charge of one of the biggest wholesalers and our relationship with them so that is fun and super scary.
That is all for now! I had something I wanted to write and then I forgot what it was half way through this post.
On average, I live off of 4.5 to 5 hours of sleep and have been since I became a mom 8.5 yrs ago. I wish I could sleep more. I want to sleep more. I am always exhusted. I hate waking up feeling like I haven’t slept at all.
I am laying in bed with on kid at my feet and the other snuggled up against my back while they watch Paddington. I am left to wonder if I will ever have someone to roll over and wake up next to. Someone who wakes up while I am sleeping to wrap their arms around me. Someone who pulls me close to their chest and kisses my forehead as if I would slip away in a heartbeat. Le sigh maybe one day.
This week is harder than normal for me, maybe because my bday is on Thursday and I am feeling like I am running out of time to find real earth shattering love. Maybe it is because my ex husband is planning his wedding, maybe it is I am house hunting without any help from a partner. (I have Emerald who is a great friend and will be my roommate but that is different.) Well onwards riggt!? Today is a new day and maybe it will be a great one. But none the less lets just have a day!
A lot has been going on in my life as of late. I have started the whole house buying process alone. I have seen 15 + houses at this point and I have fallen in love with 2 and those two have been taken out from under me in a blink of an eye. I am starting to loose hope in the process. I am tired all the time, and I really want to run away and not look back just leave it all. The process is overwhelming and heartbreaking and oh so stressful. I would rather have 5 more kids.
Work has been going well, I had a review and they told me that I was a valuable asset to company and that they are happy to have me there and I got a $2 raise. I started hanging out with Emerald again an ex of mine she has been great. Going with me to look at houses and to listen when I freak out because I couldn’t remember if there was a bathtub in the main bathroom or not. Also just be there over all for me. Hawty and Blondie have also been the best rocks ever through all this stuff.
I have stepped back from Belle and asked for some space right before Christmas. We are going to get together in early Feb and talk about what this time apart has done or not done. It is and has been the most painful thing for me to do. I love them so so so much. I used to look into the future and see them with me, and my kids. Now sadly not so much. I used to love to run to them and tell them all the things that excited me or scared me I felt safe doing so. I have not felt that in a while. I have felt more increasingly like my feelings are not valid to them and that I was just a place holder, someone sitting on the shelf that was only brought down when it was convenient for them. Another issue I had is that I only got along with 2 of my meta’s granted the others didn’t even try to get to know me. Their loss, I guess.
Some self care stuff I am doing:
- I started going to the gym regularly. I have lost 36 pounds since May 2017.
- Eating smaller portions.
- No more SODA!!
- Less Sugar.
Some short term goals:
- 7 more pounds to reach my 1st weight loss goal. Then 40 more.
- Buying a house in the next 2-3 months.
- Going to Burning Man!
- Continuing to be the best mom I can be even when I feel like I am failing.
I have dug deep into what I need and want in my relationships going forward:
- I need them to know that my kids are my #1 (this has never been an issue but it is never going to change)!!
- I need communication if we can’t have quality time (my #1 Love Language) then I need to be able to have some form of communication with you, be it emails, texting, etc.. More then once a week.
- I need quality time. I need to see you and be able to have alone time with out the distractions of all the other things.
- I need someone who not only tells me that I am special to them but also shows me and makes that known when around people.
- I need someone who understands that me not wanting to be out at work, has nothing to do with them or how I feel about them. It is my job and my decision. That doesn’t mean they can’t talk to me about it or their feelings on the subject don’t matter to me, they are valid but in the end it is MY JOB and MY decision.
- I want to be able to talk to you about anything. Most times I ramble and I might not make sense or something I say might come off offensive but 99% of the time I don’t mean it that way.
- I want to be able to rely on you, be able to reach out to you if I am in a situation that I might need help with. Or if I am doing something new and I might need you. Don’t tell me “you can reach out, but you’ll be on mute so I won’t get it”
- I want someone to do some of the EL with me. Put in effort like I do. Show me that I am worth it don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear.
- I want you to be able to talk to me and not worry about how I am going to handle the news. Let me own my actions on how I respond to the information.
- COMPROMISE from both sides.
I am sure there is more but those are the ones I am constantly going back to over and over in my head.
I am done with the endless loop of things that I am thinking of. I am going to end it here and say good night! I am going to get myself ready for the Gym and leave it all on the treadmill tonight.
So I haven’t written in a while. I have not known what to write about or what I should vs what I shouldn’t. I have been in my head dealing with some big emotions and some things that I am needing to change but don’t know how to set that plan into motion yet. I have been going out and doing me! Putting me 1st. Working out and enjoying the hell out of the competition I have with myself when it comes to the gym. Orange Theory Fitness has changed the way I looked at “working out” and I love it.
I have been going on date whether it be a date date or a friend date. But that has also left me feeling like maybe, I am not wanting poly per-say in my life right now. I am happy with making the friends and the sexy times with people but there is something missing. Something I don’t know if poly can give me. I am not sure. I have a happy, lovey, warm disposition and I have noticed that more people take advantage of that then they realize. It is time that I come 1st! It is time that people stop using me as an object on a shelf they can take down and play with when they are bored or only when it is good for them.
I want to be important to someone. So much so that I get random notes left for me, or I get a random message from them just to have them tell me how much I mean to them. Or have someone who wants to listen to my feelings even if they come across as “complaining” even when I don’t mean from them to. I want someone who is willing to share the EL and someone who is willing to give and take. Where I don’t feel like I am isolated from my partner, and that my Meta’s (not all of my Meta’s do this) only see me as a “thing” not even a person. I mean we are meta’s for a reason right?!? We are are in some varying degree of love/like with our partner. I am approachable: come say hi, I am a living breathing person: don’t look right at me and then like I don’t exist. Blerg!!!
.There is a song that I have fallen in love with and the first two lines are how I have been feeling more and more.
“I’m tired of empty smiles and nights alone
I’m sick of these paper stars, illuminating this hollow globe.”
To me hollow globe would be my heart. I’m tapped dry. My buckets needs to be refilled in order for me to give anymore.
I am feeling lost, no sure how I want my life to go, stressed to the max. Really the only 3 things I know for sure anymore are: My kids will always be proud of me and what I do for them and their love is so so genuine for me and life, That Burning Man is going to be the best thing for me and showing me something deeper, lastly that my life has some really big changes this coming year and I am ready to step out as a new person in mind and body.
That is it.. I am out, done, bled dry. Nothing to say.. It is like I don’t even know anymore! I am lost. I am worried. I am alone. I am scared. I am screaming for help, love, acceptance and no words to twist and string together try to explain anymore than I have already.
I have been a single mom raising my kiddos since my youngest was 3 months old he is now 5. It has not been easy, it has been difficult at times, and it is the most taxing thing I have ever done in my entire life. Would I change having kids? No. Would I change the fact my ex I are no longer together? Not always, there are days when I long for idea of having him around.
My ex and I are kick ass co-parents. We get along like peanut butter and jelly when it comes to parenting. I love that.
We were talking yesterday about schedules and stuff, with him going to Europe for 2 weeks etc.. He mentioned that he will be engaged here shortly and that I was the 1st person he told. He wanted to let me know before I found out on the book of face or something like that. I understand where his heart was and why he wanted to tell me, but FUCK was that hard to hear. I felt like I was choking and couldn’t breath, and the tears just didn’t stop. My heart is heavy and I don’t know why I have this overwhelming feeling of betrayal. 😦
The person he is going to marry is the Woman who was my neighbor when I was married. She was a close friend of mine. She was someone I opened my heart and my life to. I shared my husband with her. I am trying to stay positive, like the kids have not complained about her yet, they don’t like her 18yr old son but he is full of teenage angst so I don’t blame them. But it still fucking sucks!
I am feeling less and less welcome in my own relationships with people and with poly in general so this is adding to the I am not good enough feels I have been having.