Cancer!?

So roughly 4 weeks ago. I was in bed and I happened to do a self breast examination and I found a mass. I had so much going on with wedding prep for my brother, trying up loose ends at work before being off for 10 days, Burning Man prep, and just the normal mom stuff I have on m ugh plate; I just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind.

Now that I am back in default world I and things are starting to settle, and I am left alone with my thinky thoughts it’s creeping to the forefront of my mind and fuck it is sending me into a tail spin of what if’s.

I finally made an appointment for a cancer screening it is on Thursday as in 2 days. I am freaking out emotionally and battling the logical side of my brain. The lump has grown in 4 weeks and is now somewhat painful.

I know logically I don’t know anything yet and it could be something super simple like a cyst or thick breast tissue. Yet it could be something like cancer. There has been some other concerning things I won’t bore you with that make me slightly more worried.

I haven’t really told anyone, I can count on one hand how many people know (that is till this post is read I suppose)

I lay in bed and can’t sleep, I cry at the thought of the worst case scenarios, I want to be held by DJ (Swedish guy) I want to have him brush the hair out of my eyes and just be here. I want to scream at the universe for being stupid sometimes, I want to run, I want to be able to turn it off and I can’t.

Maybe a hot shower will help.

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1 Week Post Burn

Well I am “home” it has been icky to say the least. The most annoying thing about being back is having to deal with people at the grocery store. Normally I wouldn’t have minded but talk about panic inducing.

My 1st day back I needed to get food as mamma’s cupboards were bare, so I loaded up my youngest and went to the store. I loaded up the cart with all the things I needed and could think of for the next 2 weeks. When we got up to the counter to pay I put in my loyalty number and the checker minded her own business I said hi and good morning to a ghost she didn’t even acknowledged I was there. She then read me my total a whopping $230, and then asked if I put in my card # to get savings I said yes. She said it didn’t go through, so I asked her if she was able to do it for me, at this point there is someone else in line waiting it is 9am and I am tired, dusty from cleaning, and trying to stifle the tears in my eyes, and the overwhelming urge to run away. She told me no she couldn’t do it on her end and she would have to void the whole order and start over, I caught the look of the person behind me it was a “Really, you have to be kidding me I am in a hurry” so I told her to forget it and paid. I went home and just cried. I couldn’t understand why people could be so cold and closed off. This interaction was so stressful, something that wouldn’t have been months ago. Gah I am still worried about the next time I have to go to the store, maybe I will buy groceries online.

Now that I have worked a whole week and have been doing the mommy thing full time again. I know that I need to make sure I show people around me the true me 100% of the time like I was out on Playa. I need more art, music, and love in my life!! Working on how to make that a thing but it will happen!

I have learned some powerful things about myself since being back. I am not as 100% poly as I thought I am more like 75%. I am still unraveling that one I don’t think that the answer will happen tonight or over the next month. I have found that I don’t give a fuck for people who say they want to spend time with me but don’t have any follow through, I don’t got time for that shit. I am only going to give my time to those who want it and are around. I learned who I really am. I am a salty at times bad ass bitch, who will love you for as long as I possibly can once I add you to my inner most circle. I am lovable and broken, I am fucking gorgeous in all my tiger stripes and skin, and I am done hiding that from people either they will care or they don’t. I am a SLUT and I am ok with that. I am safe and educated I am kinda picky about who I sleep with anyway! I have also learned that my community is very very incestuous, cliquey, and snobby. I am so glad I have new communities and can branch out and meet more people who might be more my people.

Work- I have learned that I really am burnt out! I also kinda hate it! I used to love it, I use to get excited about going into work. Now I get panicky right before I am supposed to start as I don’t know what mood my boss is going to be in that day and god forbid I say something wrong and she goes off on me via email more than she already does.

I AM NOT DIVORCING MY PARAKEET!!!! – My mantra for the next 3 month

Also I really wanna make out with J, Swedish Guy, or someone!! That is all!

❤ Me

 

Burning Man 2018

What an experience. Something I have been having a hard time putting in words as there really isn’t a way to truly captivate all the feels, be it good or bad. So I will do my best.

TLDR/ Version – I faced some hard times and I overcame them and look forward to making my default life match more with my home life and who I was out there as that is truly me!

The week prior I was in a tail spin, trying to make sure I had my stuff squared away and that I was prepped enough for the wedding on Sunday the 26th, cupcakes were almost the death of me, all 200 of them (I was leaving Monday the 27th). I had to plan out my carpool people who were going down and home with me. By Thursday I was in complete meltdown and freaking out. Family who I had not seen in years was in town, my house was a mess, work was blowing up, and all I wanted to do was hide.

Sunday night after the wedding, my carpool buddy going down offered me to stay the night with him so I could sleep another hour before we headed out. So I packed up all my stuff once I got home took a very quick shower and headed the 70 min drive south to his house. We cuddled and I felt very at home and relaxed it was amazing, given that we had only hung out a couple of times and really hadn’t broached the topic of sleeping together (yes sleeping not sexing) or anything other then driving 14 hours with each other. This was the 1st time in about 3 months where I felt safe and could fully breath.

After we slept for like 4 hours we woke up and packed the car and started our drive. We laughed, flirted, and took turns driving so we could sleep some. We made it to Gerlach within 12 hours. 🙂 The wait at Gate was about 4 hours to go through will call and do the whole thing. Greeters were so amazing and I loved them, they had me dive into the dust and ring the bell. I dropped him off at his camp and then I was sent out on my own to find my camp in the dark in a place I had never been and our placement on Rods Ring Rd is not fun or easy to navigate. I got super overwhelmed very quickly and started to cry thinking I would never find where I was supposed to go and my “security” co driver was gone and he has been there and ahhhh!!

I found my camp about 30 min later. Thankfully someone was in camp and they showed me where to plop myself down and then I waited for J am M to come find me so they could show me Esplanade and the Man. Once I saw them I knew I was going to be ok they were my familiar faces in a sea of 70,000 people. We gave each other huge dusty hugs!

On Tuesday I got to take the day to adjust to Burning Man. J came and picked me up and him and I spent the day exploring. It was amazing! I was just in awe the whole time, there were so so many people, so much art, so much beauty in one place. I took my carpool buddy out for a few hours that night and we had a great time stopping at random bars/camps to dance, sing and just laugh. I learned that the bag in a box of wine is called the goon and the only way to drink it properly is to slap it 1st and then have someone pour it into your mouth. 🙂

I slept alright on Tuesday and by Wednesday (the day) I had what most people call the “Thursdays” I wanted to go home, I felt so alone, I didn’t think I fit in with my camp or people in general. I did my breakfast shift with Chinchillin’ and Gingersnap then ducked out. I cried most of the day and tried to hide at camp in our “Employee Lounge”, One of our camp mates came up and sat with me for a moment and made me talk about my kids and that helped take my mind off of what I was really trying to process. I was then told by Wednesday (playa name) it was ok to feel the feels I had boiling up at that point and that I should go to the post office and write myself a letter so that when I get it I can be reminded that I did it and that I did belong. By noontime I was asked to help out at camp and pull an interview shift I was worried my mood was going to ruin all the things and had some doubts but Pocket pushed and I rocked it. If it weren’t for him telling me I was going to be great and to just jump in and do the thing I would have been in a downward funk all night. I decided that I would take half of an edible candy I had and well hindsight horrible idea. It was our Drunken Catholic School Girl bar ride with camp. I got all dolled up and then I made it to the 1st stop and I ended up so high I had to be tent locked and walked back to my tent. Thankfully I knew I was not ok and I asked someone I trusted to walk me back and make sure I got into my tent. I passed out around 8:30pm and woke up at like 12:30am still a little fuzzy but much more manageable. I hung out at the burn barrell with camp mates till 4am then hopped on my bike and went to go wake up M and J for a sunrise set.

Biking out to the trash fence with a horde of people was super overwhelming also magical. Watching Sunrise with people I cared about and who care about me made my heart happy. The Sunrise was so magical to me it brought tears to my very tired eyes. It was at that point that I knew I was truly unbreakable even when my brain tries to tell me otherwise. I will always get back up and shine, and I will shine brighter each time! On my bike ride back I found myself just watching the world wake up. People either finally stumble into camp to sleep or those waking up and making their way to the portos. I sat on the couch by our burn barrel and just soaked it all in. I was gifted an adorable Burning Man pin and some awesome hugs. I thought about going back to bed but I was too awake with happy, love, and excitement. I worked a double that day and I met some awesome people. I did take a break to go to the post office to mail myself a post card, best decision ever.

Once work and dinner were done I rode my bike halfway around the city to find my Swedish flame. Unf!! I found him and his shift pod. I stopped in with a bottle of wine and hung out in his arms for a few hours. It was amazing. I was so scared to show up at a camp and ask for him not knowing how he was going to respond. I did it anyway and it was great. We had made plans for later in the week, but Playa is known for heartache and breaking plans so when that moment of sad hit when we didn’t actually meet up again I remembered I would see him when I got back “home”. I went and checked in on the person I rode down with to make sure he was doing ok and to see if he was or wasn’t riding back with me. Rode out to the temple and left a love note to an ex as a way of closing for me. Then I wanted to crash I was approaching the 24 hours awake mark and I was tired. Got back to camp poured some tequila in my cup to help with sleep and walked out and DR was there and I ran into his arms and he lifted me up and spun me around and we then hung out for hours, riding around going to random camps and getting all the drinks, I even got spanked by a lobster. I mean where else would something like that happen. He rode back with me to camp I had been awake 28 hours at this point, and I just passed the F out once my head hit that pillow.

Friday was Train Burn Night. I got to see it with M and J and that was awesome we rode around afterward and looked at all the bright lights and danced to some awesome 80’s that I didn’t know lol. I went back to camp and slept for a few hours and then got up and was excited to have it be Burn Night! Tonight was the night I was going to face my fears around body issues and wear only a bra and skirt and I did and it was fucking awesome. I looked hot as fuck and I got some many compliments. I rode on an Art car and I was truly happy. I watched the man burn and you could taste the energy in the crowd it was so overpowering and so beautiful. Danced till the wee hours of the morning like 1ish, then hung out with Narc talking about life and what it meant to both of us at the burn barrel till we both passed out and woke up to the sunrise at 5:30 am.

Sunday was a somber day, people were packing and cleaning up and we all knew it was time to close this week for the time being. We watched the Temple burn and I cried as I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I decided that I was going to do my Exodus that night at 11:30 took me and Bubble (she was from the UK needing a ride to Seattle) 2.5 hours to hit pavement. We drove for a few hours then napped on the side of the rode twice before making it to the hot springs. We camped over night and waited for M and J to get there so I could give them back their tent and give hugs and kisses one last time before heading back to default. I cried on the way home as once again I felt so alone, that I had to figure out how to be the real me once I got home and that if I lost people I loved that it was not my issue it was all them. I am still working on that and it is not easy today was better than yesterday. Tomorrow will be better than today. But I am still wanting and waiting to return Home!

There are some moments I have not shared as I want those to be special to me and those who I shared them with!! Here is sunrise. ❤ 40385453_2385533021464613_7066717723144749056_n

Burn Bright everyone! )'(

 

 

 

 

Missing Them

Today was a hard day.. I missed them more than I have in a long time. Each song that came on Pandora brought a flood of feels, happy, sad, anger, but most of all longing for them to reach out and hug me and kiss me again. To make love to me like no one has been able to since. To curl up next to me and just feel my skin all the groves and tell me they love all the bumps and “imperfections”.

I ask myself often what did I say or do wrong? Did I tell them how I was feeling the wrong way? Did I fuck this up? Was I not good enough for them? Why did the shiny exciting part of me disappear from their eyes? Why were they so quick to just let me go? Gah!! I fucking love them so so so much, it stings when I see they are with others. I want to be on their arm, I want them to look at me the way they used to.

Life

I got my tickets to Burning Man! I am going to Burning Man!!!!! Now my life has been lots of planning and packing and making it and myself a priority!

I decided I am no longer going to be a doormat, I am going to say NO to people when they want me to do their emotional labor when my well is tapped, I am going to remind myself that I am #1 and just because I say no or set boundaries doesn’t mean I don’t care or love you. I am going to say YES to loving all of me in whole the bad the good and the ugly. I am going to say YES to letting someone love me 100% and if they can’t have me in my true self they don’t deserve me. I am going to say NO to people who want to show me that I am not a valuable piece of their lives. I am saying NO to those who refuse to put in some sort of effort with me who want to make plans and never follow through. I am saying YES to only giving my time and love to those who show appreciation for it!

I am owning me again!!

Selfcare

What is self care and what does it look like to you?

Today it is a 90 min massage, and a long nap with the windows open so I can have the fresh spring breeze dance around me. It is drinking all the water I can. It is opening my house to people tonight to feed them and have a grand time, and warm my house with laughs, music, and good people.It is me taking charge of my life and participating is another 5k tomorrow. It is putting on a slinky black dress last night and looking fucking fierce, even though you were tols months ago it didnt look good on you. It is learning to love you!

I hope you have a wonderful day, be kind to yourself. Love one another and most of all love you.

Friday Jr.

Last night after work, I had this overwhelming urge to run. So I went running. I ran/jogged 3.13 miles. It was a good workout. Once I was done I hopped into the hot tub and relaxed for about 30 min or so. When I got back home I took a shower and let the water run over my face and body for what seemed like ever. I was lost in the feeling of warm water wrapping its fingers around me. I stood there and cried, not really about anything in particular just to cry. Sometimes you need to let it out and it is in the form of crying.

After I was done being a blubbering mess I picked myself up off the floor (I sat down) I dried off and crawled into bed and listened to some music while I just closed my eyes and thought about all the good things I have done since splitting up with my ex husband.

  1. I went Skydiving something he told me I would never be able to do
  2. I have held a job something he also told me I wouldn’t be good at.
  3. I bought a house for me and the kids.
  4. I have paid all my bills and not had to rely on him or child support to do so.
  5. I have made a wide variety of friends and lovers
  6. I have completed a 5k and have others planned through the summer.
  7. I have lost 52.7 pounds since last April.
  8. I have traveled to Singapore, Canada, Pennsylvania, and various other places close by.
  9. I rode on a train for the 1st time.
  10. I have loved someone 100% and it was scary!

Tonight is a gym night and I am so so so looking forward to getting in there and giving it my 110% tonight.

I hope you all have a day and get through with a smile at least. ❤