May 2023 – 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 1 May 1st 2023

Prompt – List 10 things that make you happy.

  1. My kiddos well most of the time
  2. My partner she is pretty amazing
  3. the animals (2 doggos and 2 cats)
  4. being able to travel and share that with my girl
  5. Disney
  6. pickles
  7. warm sunny days
  8. floating the river with friends
  9. my drive for knowledge
  10. My choice to have gastric sleeve surgery in Jan 2023

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Battling inner demons

When you are in a relationship do you rely on getting words of affirmation from your partners? Maybe rely isn’t the best word choice here as it would make it sound like you require them to give your compliments or notice you in ways maybe others don’t. So I guess let’s rephrase this and start over:

Do you appreciate when your partner notices you or tells you that you look hot or that they want you? I know I have also valued those things in a relationship. To know you are wanted in more than just a companion type of way. To know that they look at you and are like DAMN that is my partner how did I get so lucky. Did I value those too much in the past and tie them to my self worth? This is what I am struggling with right now in my relationship. BTW she is amazing and I can’t wait to marry her up in Sept of 2024, but I digress.

My partner is more on the Ace spectrum where I have not been in the past and I love being sexually intimate with partners and knowing that they want to have me in that way. To her sex is something she can live without and that is ok everyone is open to their own wants and needs. I don’t need sex all the time I really don’t (I don’t think she believes me when I tell her that) I would like to be able to have my sexual needs met once in a while I am talking like 2-3 times a year. If there is intimacy in other facets of the relationship be it kisses, touches, etc then I am still getting that feeling of being wanted and loved in a “sexual” kind of way. The last few times we have been sexual I have been the giver and while I don’t mind as it is a huge turn on that I am able to get them off, I have been essentially edged for 3 going on 4 months. I just want her to touch me and allow me that release and enjoy or want to do it. With her being Ace I don’t think and I am fairly certain that she doesn’t want to touch me in that way and it is not something she thinks about. The other morning is a great example, I asked her if I could orgasam as I needed it and she said yes that is fine, but her face and body language changed, she looked at me with a blank stare and it made me feel like I was the most disgusting thing in the world that I was some pervert who was using her and her body. So I was immediately pulled out of the mood and no longer wanted to be seen in that way by her or anyone to be honest.

I have started reading blogs and reddit posts about partners who are on not on the same page when it comes to sex and while I find it interesting to read and helpful to understand more of maybe where she is coming from. I have tried to talk to her about what I am learning to understand more where she is at vs where the OP of the reddit thread is at so I can try to change my approach and maybe voice my needs in a way that will be helpful to her and our relationship. We have great chemistry in our relationship and are on the same page everywhere else. This one is just a lot more sticky and harder than the rest of it. I feel like I am doing the work to understand and be open to changing my needs to accommodate her and her needs and wants, but is she doing the same? I think that yes she listens when I tell her my feels and where I am at but I think she placates me and tells me what she thinks I want to hear. I am not angry or mad in the slightest, I don’t yell, I don’t scream, I don’t even raise my voice at her when we talk. I stick to I statements as I don’t want her to think that she is broken or this is somehow a fault of hers, I just want to work through it with her and process it with her and come to an understanding about what we each want.

She throws out the poly card all the time saying that I can go elsewhere to have my sexual needs met and I don’t want that I honestly don’t really want poly in my life right now or for the foreseeable future. With what I think of a big thorn in our relationship around sex, I don’t think that going elsewhere will solve anything. I also don’t want it to turn into a well you are going out and meeting new people so I am too. How would that make you feel if you and your partner were not having sex and then they went out and met someone and started having sex or were ok with sex with them? To me that would make me feel even more icky and unwanted and unattractive and I would clam up and want to run. It would trigger a flight or fight response in me and I honestly would want to RUN!

Thanks for letting me brain dump, vent, get it all out!

Thoughts and prayers = barf!!

Brain dump….. As I lay here super tired thinking of all the stuff I have been through the last 3 years. I become bitter, I get mad and angry, when someone shares that thier loved one has a terminal illness or has a 0% survival rate, the last thing I truly ever wanted to hear was that miracles happen, I would smile and say thanks because society says you should be nice to those who are trying to help. But here is something I believe, it is that science happens, by the way of sciene it could be that the person lives a little longer and some might see that as a miracle but when I was in the thick of it with D to me it wasn’t a miracle it was our hard efforts and trials and drive to get him the best science out there, and to put all our eggs in one basket all the time in hopes that when we took those eggs out of the said basket and put them in another we only would loose one or two. Yes you can hope for miracles and you can believe what you want, I will not judge and I will support you no matter what. But instead of hoping for something so big that is more than likey 100% going to fail. Why not hope for smaller things? Like I hope that you get through the next few weeks. Then once those few weeks pass you move the hope to the next milestone. When you or someone you love is told thier diagnosis is terminal your whole world goes dark, you freeze, you want to get out, you want to turn the light switch back on and you want it to be 100% ok and back to ‘normal’, but you can’t do that you have to move with determination and thought out calculations so you don’t stub your toe in the dark and while moving, you have to fight with conviction and trust in the physical things you are doing. Things that are tangible. When things are bad or scary we are so scared of sitting with the uncomfortable feeling of possible death. We all at somepoint in our lives have sent or said “thoughts and prayers” while that might make the one saying it feel better or like they are helping.. when it was said to me this was my take on it; while I understood the sentiment behind it, it often felt like a blanket statement a way to get past the uncomfortable, it felt like it was said to help the sayer not me, I was a way to get out of asking how I was truly feeling. This made me uncomfortable to share the heartache and the pain with certain people as I was always met with “miracles” “thoughts and prayers”.I urge you to really try and put yourself in their shoes and ask if that is really truly what you would want to hear? Or would you want people to acknowledge the horrible shit you’ve been dealt and say something like, I am sorry you are going through this crap, I will be here to wade through it with you? Or how about just have people sit with you in the uncomfortable reality that is now your life? Or ask, I would love to know how all this is making you feel? I urge you to live each day like you have a terminal diagnosis, live like you won’t wake up the next day. You will see life differently and you will find the joy in not giving fucks what others think life is too short for walking on egg shells, you will find the joy in the sunset and sunrise like you were a child all over again.

Tldr: The saying Thoughts and Prayers can do more harm then good..

Grief 1 yr later

1 year or 365 day or 8760 hours. That is how long I have been waking up without you next to me. Without hearing your horribly awesome jokes, how long I have hoped to hear your voice again and have you hold me! This is how long I have been waking up and walking through this thing called life without you. It may seem like I am happy and having a GRAND ole’ time. I fake it extremely well, and only a few people have been able to see the RAW me. Don’t get me wrong there has been some great times sprinkled in there. I have travelled more this past year then I have ever, and I found that I kind of like the uncertainty of it all. The traveling to a destination and not having a plan when I get there has been wildly comforting as I love to plan things to do. I went back to school and passed my CNA course with a 3.9GPA and I am currently kicking a** in my psychology and ASL class. Let’s not forget me ripping up the carpet in the living room, dining room, and hallway all by myself and laying down flooring! I am woman hear me ROAR!

They say grief changes your phone book, let me tell you it does! I have lost a lot of “friends” through this process people who said they would be there always poof gone! People who I have known my whole life never showed up. I have also had people I didn’t think would be there and they are. I have made new acquaintances on all my travels and in school. When talking to these new people, and I mention I am a WIDOW and all sudden, they look at you with these eyes, it is hard to explain but I hate it, and now the conversation is dead and awkward! I never thought I would be a widow at 34yrs old, let me tell you being young, and a widow is some sick cruel joke. People think that because you are young you will get over it faster, that it will hurt less, that you will magically wake up and be fine. NEWS FLASH I AM NOT FINE none of this is FINE! I AM A COMPLETE MESS!! I cry most days, I scream, and I have broken a plate or two. (Side note I really want to do a RAGE room who is in?)

D my love you were taken too soon. You and I were supposed to do this thing called life together. We were supposed to 80 and fighting over who gets the last thin mint. I guess by default I win, but I don’t want it. It Is also a cruel joke you passed away on groundhogs’ day because that is my life. It is this never-ending day of you being gone, and I am guessing with your dark humor you did that on purpose. I know you asked me to send a shelf to someone and I have thought about it for over a year and I just can’t so please don’t be mad. I know you told me to get back out there and find love again once you were gone and babes I can’t and I am not ready for that, but I do promise you I will hold my love for you in my heart forever and ever! Thank you to those who have reached out throughout the year to check in on me, please don’t give up on me yet!

Thank you to those who have spent time with me and valuing my time when I set time aside for you! Thank you to those who I know interact with posts but might not have the words and or spoons to say anything I see you and your pain too whatever it might be.

“I don’t mean to be so uptight

But my heart’s been hurt a couple times

By a couple guys that didn’t treat me right

I ain’t gonna lie, ain’t gonna lie

‘Cause I’m tired of the fake love, show me what you’re made of

Boy, make me believe”

You made me believe again D, you made me believe.

Grief Prompt #8

#8 – Tell us about a guiding star inside your grief. Are there people – whether real, mythological, or fictional – who live their own grief in a way that gives you encouragement, inspiration, or direction?

A guiding star in my journey would be a friend of mine who is also going through this journey. She lost her husband to GBM 5 months before me. Watching her be open about grief and how it is ok to feel all the feels has made me be more open and hopefully it is helping others too. It sucks to be going through it and I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this process. I wish that society was more open about the process and treated us widows and widowers with grace and understanding that it is ok to not be ok. 

Another guiding star would be D and his love that I know is still there. It is something that he shared so openly with me and others that how could I not just share it back? This whole process is showing me that I can continue to grow emotionally and hopefully help others along the way. It is showing me that love is something that doesn’t go away even if the person is no longer with you. It is showing me that I might be a hot mess but I am still here and I am still me and I still love (even when I try not to)!!

~C

Death Day

Morning D. How has it been 4 months already? It feels like it was just yesterday I was holding your hand and we were laughing and kissing and all the things. FUCK CANCER, FUCK BRAIN CANCER!!

I watched it take you away slowly at 1st and then wham like a hurricane at the end. I watched it steal your freedom to drive, talk, read, walk, and just function. I am happy that you are no longer hurting from the cancer. I am happy that we met and had a love that most people search for their whole lives. I am happy that we lived like there was never going to be a tomorrow. I miss you so very much! I wish I could hold you one more time, kiss you once more, make love with you once more. I wish I could feel someone hold me the way you did, the way that you ran your hands over my imperfect perfect body. Or have someone look at me the way you would look at me not just in a sexual way but really look at me.

Today I feel numb and sad and all the things! On top of being a death day I didn’t sleep last night I tried. I went to bed at 1030 and then next thing you know it is 6am and it is time to start my day all over again. Babes I raise this cup of coffee for you and I send my love into the world for you! Till we meet again ❤

Your Wife always and forever!

~C

Grief Prompt #7

#7- The prompt was “Grief is everywhere”

Yes it is! It is in random smells that bring me back to memories with you, it is in music and how we shared a wide wide variety of music, it is in playing word games and how you were always doing them all the way up to the end to keep sharp, and it is in the times I bake and cook; something we love to do together. I know I am missing my built-in taste tester. It is in the way the kids cry for you, it is in the way I weep when I see pictures of you, and it is in the way I move throughout this world without you. It is the simple mundane tasks like doing laundry (I hate doing it) you loved doing it, it is in the more complex tasks like cutting a 45 for ¾ round trim with the miter saw (I wasted a whole board trying to get it to line up right I kept doing it backwards but in my head it was right). It is there when I lay my head down at night and you aren’t there to snuggle up with me. It is in the way my lips long for your kiss and touch. While the grief is sad it is also beautiful in a weird way for me. It is making me sit with the uncomfortable more and more and learn that it will always be there and some days it will be bigger and some days it will be smaller. It is showing me who I really am to my stripped and raw core, it is showing me how much my little but strong shoulders can carry. I promise you I will keep on keeping on in this life, even when I want to give up! It is showing me who I want to show this raw hot mess version of myself to. 

All that aside with the grief holding my hand as I walk this road I have never been down before I know I will find you again in our next life. I just know it deep down in my bones and my heart I know!! We had so much love left to give each other and this world. I love you D to the moon and back and then some! 

~C

Grief Prompt #6

#6- If your grief is a character who can come forward and speak, what kind of voice does s/he have? Don’t tell us about it, let him or her actually speak. Write in grief’s voice.

Hi, I am Carrie’s grief. While I might show a smile and seem like I am having a good time. I am pissed, I am resentful, I am sad, I am also proud, and still loveable. 

Resentful in the way I am left with the laundry list of household projects that were half started and or forgotten about due to the FUCKING cancer. Resentful of the cancer that stole my life with someone who I thought was my forever. I am resentful of seeing all the happiness around me and pissed that I can’t seem to soak it in like I used to, maybe again one day. I am resentful I won’t be able to celebrate with you our anniversary this year! 

I am pissed off that I was told he didn’t love me, that it was just the tumor and that I was a rash decision despite all the love that was visible and palpable by those around us. I am pissed that people treat me differently, not everyone but a good handful. I know I am sad and happy and all the things but I am still Carrie. I just have a big whole in my heart and maybe just a little less willing to love so blindly and fiercely in fear they will disappear on me. I am sad that I don’t get to share the good times and bad times with you in person anymore! I am sad that the boys lost the best male role model that they have ever had. I am sad that I can’t kiss you anymore, hug you anymore, or remember what you smelled like. 

I am also proud of what you accomplished in the 40yrs you were here on Earth. I am proud that you called me your wife and I you my husband. I am proud of myself for realizing that I was able to be loved 100% and met ½ way in a relationship and that it was full of give and take from both of us. I am also so fucking proud of myself for making sure you were taken care of despite me wanting to give up many many times. I am proud that I was able to be your hospice care here at home! FUCK was that hard! Never having gone through that before and not knowing that there is not a nurse who is with me all the time I don’t think I could do it again, but I am proud that I did what I did. I am proud that I made sure we had contacted everyone on our list when hospice started including the ex wife. I am proud I was able to get as many people to video/visit with you as I did. It went so fast. Monday you were upright on the couch and Wednesday you were in the Hospital bed and not able to talk well or walk let alone read! While others might be mad or upset with me for “Not allowing” you to talk to them or see them, I am proud I don’t let their upset define me. Honestly I don’t care! It went too fast to make everyone happy and it is not my job to make everyone happy. It was my job to make sure you were taken care of and our family was able to be together, and I am proud of that! 

I might be sad, pissed off, mad, and full of tears but I am still loveable and it might take time for that to be noticeable to everyone but I know that those who are in my life who truly love me will be there for the ugly and the good, and they will not judge publicly or behind my back on how I am doing the best I can! NEWS flash there is no users manual or “HOW TO WIDOW” book!

D I miss you like crazy and I would do this all over again for you! You were my person and I yours. ❤ Hope you are flying high! 

~ C

Grief Prompt #5

Prompt: “What does a shift in your grief, even a tiny, momentary one, mean to you? What does it say about loss? Or love?”

What is a shift, is really the main question. Is this a shift into happiness or a shift into deeper despair? I think that it truly could go in either direction. 

I know when I have a small shift into being happy, it is usually followed up with guilt. The guilt is because I am not able to share it with D in person! He isn’t here to witness it! I have to try to remember that he is with me and would be happy and proud with me if he was physically here. It says that loss is with us all the time in big and small things. It says that love is always constant; it truly never goes away even if the physical person is gone. 

When there is a shift into despair for me it looks like hiding in the blankets and in a dark room. It means shutting down and being shut off from the world. It feels like the loss is fresh and like it just happened again. It makes me feel like love is lost and doesn’t exist.