I have had some long long night this past weekend. Really since Thursday if I am going to be 100% honest. I’m having some major self doubt in all the things I do, from work, to relationships, to even being a mom. I am sure it is all being amplified by lack of sleep. But it still sucks and it is not fun! I talked to Belle on Saturday night Sunday morning. It was a good talk, but also very emotionally charged and I think I would say needed.(well for me anyway) I am hopeful that we can work from it and work with the requests that were stated and come out stronger in the long run. I love them a lot. I would hate to loose them. I know people change and life takes people in all sorts of directions but it doesn’t make it any easier when things come up that need to be addressed, or the overwhelming fear of I let them see me in this super vulnerable place, I know they are going to think I am crazy just like I was told time and time again in the past. Then they are going to leave they can do better. Blah blah blah my brain I tell you rabbit hole after rabbit hole. It is like the worlds best amusement park ride up in there. Sunday I threw my youngest son’s b-day party. I woke up looking like I had been crying all night and or I got stung by bees on my eyes. I somehow managed to make myself look “normal” and my family had no idea. When my ex walked through the door to bring me the kids before the party, I wanted to grab him and hug him and have him tell me it would be OK, horrible idea mind you; but something I still wanted in that brief moment. Once everyone left I was able to breath again. I drew a bath, and soaked while my kids sat on my bed and watched YouTube videos. My oldest came in and checked in on me and told me not to cry a few times. I politely stated that crying was OK and that sometimes it is what is needed. Bedtime rolled around and I tucked them in and then crawled into my own bed and snuggled into all my pillows (I have like 12) and my blankets and turned on a horrible TV Drama so I could laugh and cry and smile at the same time till sleep took me away.
This morning I woke up feeling like I was hit with a mac truck. I somehow made it into the office and am doing my best to make it through my day. We will see how the day unfolds! All the best to you out there!
The Curvy, Topsy Turvy, Bits of my Life. 