Follow Up Post –

Cancer Screening is the most nerve wracking thing I can think of. I am being sent in for a biopsy and ultrasound and possibly a mammogram in a week. The doctor was concerned about the size of the lump and the fact that it hurt when being touched. She was also worried about the tissue around the lump starting to feel like it was hardening as well. So on to the next step I assume. I am trying to stay out of my head and just let it be what it is but I can’t stop thinking about all the huge WHAT IFS!!

On a positive note – I have lost 84 pounds in May 2017. I am kicking ass in that department.

I am feeling so out of control with life stuff that I am catastrophizing a lot of other things in my life ie: My love life AHHH or lack there of.

I am heading back to work more once I know more.

Cancer!?

So roughly 4 weeks ago. I was in bed and I happened to do a self breast examination and I found a mass. I had so much going on with wedding prep for my brother, trying up loose ends at work before being off for 10 days, Burning Man prep, and just the normal mom stuff I have on m ugh plate; I just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind.

Now that I am back in default world I and things are starting to settle, and I am left alone with my thinky thoughts it’s creeping to the forefront of my mind and fuck it is sending me into a tail spin of what if’s.

I finally made an appointment for a cancer screening it is on Thursday as in 2 days. I am freaking out emotionally and battling the logical side of my brain. The lump has grown in 4 weeks and is now somewhat painful.

I know logically I don’t know anything yet and it could be something super simple like a cyst or thick breast tissue. Yet it could be something like cancer. There has been some other concerning things I won’t bore you with that make me slightly more worried.

I haven’t really told anyone, I can count on one hand how many people know (that is till this post is read I suppose)

I lay in bed and can’t sleep, I cry at the thought of the worst case scenarios, I want to be held by DJ (Swedish guy) I want to have him brush the hair out of my eyes and just be here. I want to scream at the universe for being stupid sometimes, I want to run, I want to be able to turn it off and I can’t.

Maybe a hot shower will help.

1 Week Post Burn

Well I am “home” it has been icky to say the least. The most annoying thing about being back is having to deal with people at the grocery store. Normally I wouldn’t have minded but talk about panic inducing.

My 1st day back I needed to get food as mamma’s cupboards were bare, so I loaded up my youngest and went to the store. I loaded up the cart with all the things I needed and could think of for the next 2 weeks. When we got up to the counter to pay I put in my loyalty number and the checker minded her own business I said hi and good morning to a ghost she didn’t even acknowledged I was there. She then read me my total a whopping $230, and then asked if I put in my card # to get savings I said yes. She said it didn’t go through, so I asked her if she was able to do it for me, at this point there is someone else in line waiting it is 9am and I am tired, dusty from cleaning, and trying to stifle the tears in my eyes, and the overwhelming urge to run away. She told me no she couldn’t do it on her end and she would have to void the whole order and start over, I caught the look of the person behind me it was a “Really, you have to be kidding me I am in a hurry” so I told her to forget it and paid. I went home and just cried. I couldn’t understand why people could be so cold and closed off. This interaction was so stressful, something that wouldn’t have been months ago. Gah I am still worried about the next time I have to go to the store, maybe I will buy groceries online.

Now that I have worked a whole week and have been doing the mommy thing full time again. I know that I need to make sure I show people around me the true me 100% of the time like I was out on Playa. I need more art, music, and love in my life!! Working on how to make that a thing but it will happen!

I have learned some powerful things about myself since being back. I am not as 100% poly as I thought I am more like 75%. I am still unraveling that one I don’t think that the answer will happen tonight or over the next month. I have found that I don’t give a fuck for people who say they want to spend time with me but don’t have any follow through, I don’t got time for that shit. I am only going to give my time to those who want it and are around. I learned who I really am. I am a salty at times bad ass bitch, who will love you for as long as I possibly can once I add you to my inner most circle. I am lovable and broken, I am fucking gorgeous in all my tiger stripes and skin, and I am done hiding that from people either they will care or they don’t. I am a SLUT and I am ok with that. I am safe and educated I am kinda picky about who I sleep with anyway! I have also learned that my community is very very incestuous, cliquey, and snobby. I am so glad I have new communities and can branch out and meet more people who might be more my people.

Work- I have learned that I really am burnt out! I also kinda hate it! I used to love it, I use to get excited about going into work. Now I get panicky right before I am supposed to start as I don’t know what mood my boss is going to be in that day and god forbid I say something wrong and she goes off on me via email more than she already does.

I AM NOT DIVORCING MY PARAKEET!!!! – My mantra for the next 3 month

Also I really wanna make out with J, Swedish Guy, or someone!! That is all!

❤ Me

 

Missing Them

Today was a hard day.. I missed them more than I have in a long time. Each song that came on Pandora brought a flood of feels, happy, sad, anger, but most of all longing for them to reach out and hug me and kiss me again. To make love to me like no one has been able to since. To curl up next to me and just feel my skin all the groves and tell me they love all the bumps and “imperfections”.

I ask myself often what did I say or do wrong? Did I tell them how I was feeling the wrong way? Did I fuck this up? Was I not good enough for them? Why did the shiny exciting part of me disappear from their eyes? Why were they so quick to just let me go? Gah!! I fucking love them so so so much, it stings when I see they are with others. I want to be on their arm, I want them to look at me the way they used to.

Friday Jr.

Last night after work, I had this overwhelming urge to run. So I went running. I ran/jogged 3.13 miles. It was a good workout. Once I was done I hopped into the hot tub and relaxed for about 30 min or so. When I got back home I took a shower and let the water run over my face and body for what seemed like ever. I was lost in the feeling of warm water wrapping its fingers around me. I stood there and cried, not really about anything in particular just to cry. Sometimes you need to let it out and it is in the form of crying.

After I was done being a blubbering mess I picked myself up off the floor (I sat down) I dried off and crawled into bed and listened to some music while I just closed my eyes and thought about all the good things I have done since splitting up with my ex husband.

1. I went Skydiving something he told me I would never be able to do
2. I have held a job something he also told me I wouldn’t be good at.
3. I bought a house for me and the kids.
4. I have paid all my bills and not had to rely on him or child support to do so.
5. I have made a wide variety of friends and lovers
6. I have completed a 5k and have others planned through the summer.
7. I have lost 52.7 pounds since last April.
8. I have traveled to Singapore, Canada, Pennsylvania, and various other places close by.
9. I rode on a train for the 1st time.
10. I have loved someone 100% and it was scary!

Tonight is a gym night and I am so so so looking forward to getting in there and giving it my 110% tonight.

I hope you all have a day and get through with a smile at least. ❤

 

Hump day!

I couldn’t think of a better title, I’m exhusted.

My project for the East Coast market rolls out today. Ready or not here it comes. I forsee late nights and early mornings the next few weeks at least.

Tonight the kiddos go to their Dad’s to wedding prep for Friday. I didn’t plan to do anything or have anyone over tonight so we will see how well this works. I might go jog/walk around the track at the school for a hour or so, or I might go sit in the hot tub with a glass of something, ir take myself to the beach. Hmm idk we will see what mood strikes.

Thursday night is the gym and then bed after work, so I am good there. Friday I am having Moon and M over we are gonna chill drink wine, hot tub, and make foods. Sarurday gym at noon, and then brakes being done on the car, then get ready for a fancy dinner date with Theo brazillian steakhouse nom nom nom!

I will get through all the feels! I am just gonna feel them and own them!

Morning Musings

Slept like shit. Woke up way to early for my day, to a profoundly loud migraine right behind my eyes. I got a phone call for work 2 hours before I even start work 😦 Only good news from that is my project rolls out live tomorrow ahhhh. I am not only going to be the VP of Ops, and director of client relations, now I get to be the Senior PM for the east coast market.. EEEKKK no pressure.

My younger kiddo came crawling into bed with me at 6 this morning to tell me he loved me and that he wanted nuggles. The amount of love a young kid can show you is so profound, not tainted by heartache, full of optimism, and can make you smile even in the midst of a mental breakdown.  This led to think of the last time when I loved so open, no concept of rejection, full of hope and optimism. I must have been 12 or 13. I tried it again with the kids dad and well you see how well that worked out.

Once you hit that beautiful and yet horrible section in your life called puberty it all changed. That is when I started to get picked on by boys who were otherwise my best friends up till then. You realize that love is such a shallow thing as a young adult you become somewhat jaded. You look for something to be wrong in all the relationships you have going forward because why would someone love you? I have walls some higher than others, I have baggage, but who doesn’t? Some people are able to get past walls that others will never be able to get around or close enough to even try. I am tired of putting my heart out there and getting pennies in return for the quarters I put in to a relationship. I am a broken package yes, but a beautiful one and someday hopefully someone will be able to unwrap it all the way and show me that love doesn’t have to be so one sided. Till then I will be wrapping my heart in more layers! Building more walls! Trying to find out where I belong in your life.

 

2nd Divorce!?

No one ever really tells you, that when your ex husband(in my case) gets remarried it’s like a second divorce you have to process the whole thing all over again.

This time is hurts worse, maybe it is the 100% certainty that he will be gone, or that he is happy and I am still in this weird limbo, or maybe it is even though I am not a mean or vindictive person I really wanted their relationship to fail and it isn’t.

My kiddos are gaining a step mom, a step brother, and a new “family”. I know “family” is something that can be molded and formed into something other than blood family. I have that but yet I still feel all out of sorts, and lost. While she the other woman has never overstepped except for once and I promtly put her in her place, I am not fond of the kids having he as a step mom.. I am their mom, I don’t want to be replaced.

I’m trying to fill my weekend with things to do and people who I know love me but at the same time like I kind of want to just hide so no one has to see that I’m broken that I’m a mess. This is much harder than I thought it was going to be.

Early Mornings and Lack of sleep

On average, I live off of 4.5 to 5 hours of sleep and have been since I became a mom 8.5 yrs ago. I wish I could sleep more. I want to sleep more. I am always exhusted. I hate waking up feeling like I haven’t slept at all. 

I am laying in bed with on kid at my feet and the other snuggled up against my back while they watch Paddington. I am left to wonder if I will ever have someone to roll over and wake up next to. Someone who wakes up while I am sleeping to wrap their arms around me. Someone who pulls me close to their chest and kisses my forehead as if I would slip away in a heartbeat. Le sigh maybe one day. 

This week is harder than normal for me, maybe because my bday is on Thursday and I am feeling like I am running out of time to find real earth shattering love. Maybe it is because my ex husband is planning his wedding, maybe it is I am house hunting without any help from a partner. (I have Emerald who is a great friend and will be my roommate but that is different.) Well onwards riggt!? Today is a new day and maybe it will be a great one. But none the less lets just have a day! 
-moi 

Stress/Big Changes and Self Care

A lot has been going on in my life as of late. I have started the whole house buying process alone. I have seen 15 + houses at this point and I have fallen in love with 2 and those two have been taken out from under me in a blink of an eye. I am starting to loose hope in the process. I am tired all the time, and I really want to run away and not look back just leave it all. The process is overwhelming and heartbreaking and oh so stressful. I would rather have 5 more kids.

Work has been going well, I had a review and they told me that I was a valuable asset to company and that they are happy to have me there and I got a $2 raise. I started hanging out with Emerald again an ex of mine she has been great. Going with me to look at houses and to listen when I freak out because I couldn’t remember if there was a bathtub in the main bathroom or not. Also just be there over all for me. Hawty and Blondie have also been the best rocks ever through all this stuff.

I have stepped back from Belle and asked for some space right before Christmas. We are going to get together in early Feb and talk about what this time apart has done or not done.  It is and has been the most painful thing for me to do. I love them so so so much. I used to look into the future and see them with me, and my kids. Now sadly not so much. I used to love to run to them and tell them all the things that excited me or scared me I felt safe doing so. I have not felt that in a while. I have felt more increasingly like my feelings are not valid to them and that I was just a place holder, someone sitting on the shelf that was only brought down when it was convenient for them. Another issue I had is that I only got along with 2 of my meta’s granted the others didn’t even try to get to know me. Their loss, I guess.

Some self care stuff I am doing:

1. I started going to the gym regularly. I have lost 36 pounds since May 2017.
2. Eating smaller portions.
3. No more SODA!!
4. Less Sugar.

Some short term goals:

1. 7 more pounds to reach my 1st weight loss goal. Then 40 more.
2. Buying a house in the next 2-3 months.
3. Going to Burning Man!
4. Continuing to be the best mom I can be even when I feel like I am failing.

I have dug deep into what I need and want in my relationships going forward:

1. I need them to know that my kids are my #1 (this has never been an issue but it is never going to change)!!
2. I need communication if we can’t have quality time (my #1 Love Language) then I need to be able to have some form of communication with you, be it emails, texting, etc.. More then once a week.
3. I need quality time. I need to see you and be able to have alone time with out the distractions of all the other things.
4. I need someone who not only tells me that I am special to them but also shows me and makes that known when around people.
5. I need someone who understands that me not wanting to be out at work, has nothing to do with them or how I feel about them. It is my job and my decision. That doesn’t mean they can’t talk to me about it or their feelings on the subject don’t matter to me, they are valid but in the end it is MY JOB and MY decision.
6. I want to be able to talk to you about anything. Most times I ramble and I might not make sense or something I say might come off offensive but 99% of the time I don’t mean it that way.
7. I want to be able to rely on you, be able to reach out to you if I am in a situation that I might need help with. Or if I am doing something new and I might need you. Don’t tell me “you can reach out, but you’ll be on mute so I won’t get it”
8. I want someone to do some of the EL with me. Put in effort like I do. Show me that I am worth it don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear.
9. I want you to be able to talk to me and not worry about how I am going to handle the news. Let me own my actions on how I respond to the information.
10. COMPROMISE from both sides.

I am sure there is more but those are the ones I am constantly going back to over and over in my head.

I am done with the endless loop of things that I am thinking of. I am going to end it here and say good night! I am going to get myself ready for the Gym and leave it all on the treadmill tonight.

-Moi